Foot meet horse. Do your thing.

Hey, let's kick a dead horse. Someone on another site tried to tell me that Mass Effect was good. I can't let such illogical things stand so I attempted to rebut his case. I liked what I said so here it is for you, too.

Here's how to sum up Mass Effect.

It's complete shit. It's the mayor of shit town in ShitCounty, North Dakota. It's so shitty not even Japanese tourists visit there. When aliens landed in Ancient Egypt times they helped build the pyramid to King ShitPharoh. When they laid the first cornerstone of the ShitPyramid, they didn't use sandstone, lime, or quartz, no they hopped in a Dr. Who like time traveling thing and brought a copy of Mass Effect and used that as the cornerstone of the Shittiest Pyramid ever.

The characters are complete bullshit. Not even the edgy tough guy (Drex) is interesting. Compare Drex to HK-47 in KoTOR (also by Bioware and a similar gameplay type). Who would you rather have by you in a firefight, some alien who cries a lot about his people not being able to breed or a assassin droid with zero conscience and who likes to convey stories about how he killed his previous masters? Don't answer that it's rhetorical, stop it.

The planet side missions were stupid as hell. You could either explore the blue planet and mine materials, the red planet and mine materials, or the green planet and mine materials. Total filler space and you had to fight the controls that dune buggy thing which handled like a bumper car.

But wait there's more! How about lots of hours of dialog from your characters that's supposed to reveal their "true selves" but instead results in you wanting to choke every single party member just so they would shut the hell up. Can you mute it and just get text? Hell no of course not, that'd be too easy! Bioware spent all the money bringing in Seth Green and Marina Sirtis to read lines so you're going to have to suffer through their voices as well.

How about that inventory system too! In an RPG managing inventory might be pretty damn important but they only time you could change inventory on your party members was when you were off the ship or in a store. Why let you do that while you're on your mother ship? I guess Bioware thought that'd make too much sense so of course it wasn't put into the game.

You know how bad it got? I didn't even try to play again. Normally I'll play once as good and then bad. I didn't even want to try and play it through as bad. And hey let's not forget that Mass Effect has its own hot coffee mod where you can get some alien love. Wait, that wasn't a user mod by some loser in mom's basement, that was actually included IN THE GAME. For shit's sake people get a date, go get laid, hell go get drunk and kill the brain cells that created that shit.

Same goes for Fallout. I made it to Megaton on a second try through then remembered how stupid and repetitive (and level locked) the game was and how pathetic the main storyline was and quit playing. Also, screw that VATS system right in the pooper. I shouldn't have to go Matrix every time I want to have a decent chance of getting a headshot. That was simply done to cater to the console crowd since none of them can aim worth a crap and they need some sort of short bus assistance. Real men use WASD+mouse but then the only way to consistently get headshots and thus preserve ammo is with that VATS things.

A rich tapestry

So this article here talks about how major gaming websites might not be the best source for game reviews since they themselves are owned by conglomerates who own game publishing companies. Rest assured that the Sanitarium will never fall to the lure of marketers or other outside influences.

But mostly because I haven't been approached to shill out for them. Damn this economy!

How About a Best of Games 2008 List

This is what's called "filler material" meaning I'm filling up my blog with shit you probably don't want to read. But hey that's par for this site so why stop now?

Okay, let's get to my list of the games I played for 2008 in the order that I enjoyed them.

1. Team Fortress 2 (PC) -- I received this game last Christmas but I did not play the TF2 portion until this year after getting through Portal and the HL2 episodes. TF2 is brilliant in its execution and staying power. With new maps appearing from the community and the ability to just turn off your brain and start shooting internet idiots, it's a ton of fun and a great way to waste a few hours. The price for the entire Orange Box is only $30 so you're really getting a steal of a deal here. Do I think it's better than perhaps BF2 or BF2142? No, since I think those require a lot more team co-ordination but you can't deny the fun level of a game where surviving more than two minutes can be considered a worthy accomplishment. Also, come on man, who doesn't love a nice sandvich. Omnomnom.

2. Madden 2009 (PS3) -- Yeah, a console game was one of my favorites this year. I have no excuses because this game is damn fun. Figuring out blitzing patterns, running schemes, player substitutions, it really makes things exciting just like the real NFL and I can often parlay the things I learned in this game while watching the Cowboys suck.. again. I have yet to really get into the online playing (where right now I'm a miserable 0-3) but even that is enjoyable provided the person on the other end does not quit mid-game. One thing I have noticed about online play is that everyone loves the pass. I guess people left their sacs in their locker. Man up and run the ball. Three yards and a cloud of dust can be fun, too.

3. Red Alert 3 (PC) -- It is a simple RTS which is probably not worth the $50 list price but I bought it for half that thanks to gift cards. The crap that has been piled up onto recent RTSes was tossed aside and this has a much more familiar feel to someone like me who spent countless hours playing Age of Empires II. The game runs smooth, the graphics are great but will not rape your PC and who doesn't love some cleavage in their game. No, not Tim Curry or George Takei though they are in this games cut scenes and are of course awesome.

4. Knights of the Old Republic (PC) -- What's this doing here? I got stoked about the KoTOR MMO so I went back and played this again. And you know what, it is still awesome, even after this being my fifth time to play it since I owned it. The plot is interesting, the teammates all help move the story along (both theirs and the overarching storyline), and of course HK-47.

5. Wipeout HD (PS3) -- A $20 racing game on the PS3 in futuristic cars which is completely gorgeous on the HDTV. The premise is easy enough: pick a hover car thing and win the race. The tracks twist, bend, and loop at reflex challenging speeds but once you get the hang of things, it becomes a fantastic way to spend an afternoon for some solo player action.

6. Fallout 3 (PC) -- What a bullshit ending! Other sites fought for who was going to fellate this game the longest, but I came away unimpressed with the entire ordeal. I found the VATS system pedantic, the karma system was horrendously simplistic, the "plot twist" was about as twisty as the Kansas interstate highway, and did I mention the ending? I should try it again but I just can't seem to work up the energy.

7. Lego Indiana Jones (PS3) -- Entertaining at first but then became a bit overly repetitive. But hey, it is a family game and it was cute but I doubt I'll ever play it again.

8. Mass Effect (PC) -- You know all those things that made KoTOR awesome? They're all missing from Mass Effect. Plus they threw in some alien lesbo sex into it or something. I guess they realized that instead of trying to hide the content like Hot Coffee just show some blue bare alien ass and you've got a big hit. Oh and don't forget the driving missions. What a horrendously shitty way to fill up a game. KoTOR had those racing games which were tolerable because they were so short but in Mass Effect the driving missions were a massive portion of the game and a complete waste of time. Mass Effect was the worst game I played this year and I have gladly removed it from my system.

How about a swimming game?

Hey, how about we jab our eyes with hot needles instead? Seriously, I thought Phelps' 15 minutes was up already.